Well to begin this post on a positive note, it's finally holidays! Horray, horray. Time is not on my side as of the moment, I have to complete all of 3 Maths text books in what? 6 weeks. I pray I can do this. The nervous feeling seems to be eating at me lately, I always feel as if i'm going to faint. I hope im not ignoring any illness or signs of a disease because that'll be horrible. Haha.
Lately I have been feeling quite meloncholy, maybe it's the stress of next year or it's because I over think everything I do. Well, it seems as if I have this problem where i'm extremely analytical towards basically anything that comes my way. I guess it 'could' be a good thing but the downfall is that I feel socially awkward in every situation. Gah, I'm not even making much sense am I?

I wish to address a couple of things which constantly I keep reminding myself of.
I have not had much 'luck' in the 'man' category lately. I always attract 'boys' who are idiotic or maybe it's just me who attracts them. Maybe I should be less picky and loosen up? . My friend said to me, "A geniune woman will attract a geniune man". Well, if this is in fact true then where the eff is my man? Unless I am not geniune, then what am I? A pile of plastic rubber connected by a string of wires. Basically i'm nothing but a fake. People say that with time you end up finding who you are in the world, but it's taking so damn long it's making me ponder if I am ever going to find a purpose or who I am. Maybe I am who I am now but i'm so fucking blindsided I can't see it.

I am also going to dedicate this paragraph to my lovely dog Ernie. He was the best dog I could ever ask for, playful but yet showed he could protect the house. Haha. I regret not spending time with Ernie, It's just I guess as I grew older, our relationship grew wider apart. He was amazing and words cannot sum up how my exact emotions for him. I hope he has a wonderful, delightful afterlife. You will always be missed Ernie, I love you. R.I.P.

To end this post, I am going to mention that as of right now my cat's ass is fixated on my arm. Fucking cat thinks it owns every piece of furniture in the house. Assuming my family and I are furniture as well. Nevertheless I still love her.

The scariest thing in life is change, not death but change. It's funny how the most insignificant aspects of ones life can impact it in such a way to alter ones future. Change is suprisingly always a good thing, not only because if it were non exsistant life would be boring but because it helps shape our futures for the better. It makes us stronger and helps us understand life a tiny portion more.

Anyway, i'm not sure why i am rambling on about complete nonsense which is paceing around my mind. But I guess It's good to write about things I think about. People told me that im such a simple minded girl and I do not think about life much. This is utterly false and it is quite the opposite in fact, I think about it everyday. Maybe not every waken second but atleast everyday. I disguise my pure self because honestly if I acted upon all of my thoughts I would be depressed. I'm happy, I don't care for anyone whom calls me stupid because I know im not. I wish people would stop judging, but then again if there was no judge life would be far different than it is today. I want to marry someone who is blind about physical aspects and appreciates the inner beauty of life and other aspects. I think someone like this could truely exsist, and until the day I meet them. Im waiting. I fall inlove with someone for what they see, not what they say. I should probably quit going on now.

Oh my gosh by the way, I watched the new supernatural season, episode 7. I pray Bobby isn't dead, Oh gosh I pray. The show needs him!

Have a nice day, night, afternoon, morning!

I hope, pray and wish that I get accepted into Medical School. My dream may have only just begun but I am over 200% certain that it is not going to end any time soon. Sometimes I ponder why it is I am so fascinated with continuing my journey, Is it destined? Well I sure as hope so.
I have printed various books on how to be successful in MS, and it seems that the one key for survival in the brutal environment is organization. Luckily for me I  have a very mild case of OCD, I like to organize everything so that I am up to date and standard with my work but to an extent were I wont become obsessed.

Today was my Daddy's 52nd Birthday! Happy Birthday Daddy! I decided to write in his card: " To Dad, Happy Birthday, it is your 52nd birthday and soon you will be 60, time to shave off that beard!" Ofcourse there is no absolute hope for him shaving but you never know, maybe that card could influence him in some random way. Since my Dad is a un-identical twin, it was also my Uncles birthday so we travelled a whole two and a half gruelling hours to the dead country side. Ok, I will never, ever be a country personal. I would'nt be able to survive without my glorious shopping sprees and the refreshing sound of the train passing by each hour. It's just too quiet for my likeings up there. Im incredibly hungry at this very moment, the "food" <- Notice how it is in quotation marks, was horrid at my Uncles. The chicken was full of salt and not to mention the chips were soggy. So Im off too make a pizza, home-made pizza's are the undenying best.

It seems that my week has taken a delightful turn. From being one of horrible to wonderful I feel much more vibrantly awake as well being excessively engaged. Like a drought given water, my unconscious mind was given consciousness again. I gathered my before status was thus because of lack of sleep and also the fact of only just commencing schooling again. I finally have undertaken the advanced mathematics class and it seems as if it's not all it's cracked up to be. But then again it could also be an 'easy' topic to begin with. Anyway I have been procrastinating lately, I should really begin studying for the maths test next week -_-" 

"To be, or not to be: that is the question".

A famous quote from the incredible William Shakespeare play Hamlet.
What is its significant meaning? Well, it is in ones interpretation ofcourse. Watching the filmed play Hamlet in English class has well and truely inspired I to persue reading  books written from that era. The language is art. I will continue this next time when thy finished watching movie. haha.

Ah yes, the first day of the last term of school has finally finished. Horray, horray, I can finally sit back and relax with my iced tea and express my absolute emotions on to my dearest friend, my blog.

I began the morning feeling fresh and focused, but little did I know my mood was about to change dramatically. Once I first arrived to school I was happily greeted by my lovely caring friends. Not. Instead the silence smothered the awkward atmosphere creating a sense of exclution for myself. How did I not see this coming? Its typical for them to do so anyhow.
Chemistry class was first up. Luckily I was prepared and succeed to grasp all the concepts immediatley at first introduction. Next lesson was a free, and ofcourse I succumed to that of procrastinating and used this time to chat with my "friends".
Recess.
After this delightful 20 minute break, English class started. I am in the most advanced English class, and what is greatly hilarious? The fact that we are now studying the text "Hamlet" and not only will our school not let us read it, apparently they think we are a bunch of unintelligent students! What is this? Im sorry but if our English Professor wants us to read it, then let us! Ugh, I can not stress how stupid of a school I am attending. I feel like im treated like a baby. No, not a teenager, a baby.
Biology class was a huge smack in the face. I was not only excluded from the help of my friends, WHICH were helping each other. But I got 2/10  on the so called "revision test". I feel like a complete failure but not to worry, I can improve.

The rest of the lessons were an utter waste of time so i cannot be fucked with mentioning them. As you can read my day went on the slightly negative, unproductive side. So now I am going to read hamlet, study all my mistakes in Biology, Write my proposal for research project and try and finish my mathematics questions.

My understanding and interpretation of life:
Birth -> Study -> Work -> Death
I love life.

My passion for medicine

One might say, "I want to proceed my career in medicine because helping people is my passion". Another could also say, "I've wanted to be a doctor since I was able to think independently". These are the most common, obvious reasons as to why people persue medicine. But for me it's different. Lately I have been contemplateing weither or not I should continue this passion for medicine. Is it really something I want to do? All the stress, tears and years of studying in a brutal environment?
I wanted to explore my options besides medicine. I've always known I had a passion for art ever since I was young. But art never inspired me to become an artist, a designer, only for mere hobby. I then decided to research more possible career paths such as, psychology, beauty and theropy and also sports. None of these interested me enough to be able to invision a future career for myself. I found myself back at medicine. visioning myself in the future being a doctor, full on working to my hearts content. I want to be a neurologist, but doctor is the first step. There is nothing more I want to be in life. I want to be a doctor. I don't want to be a designer, psychologist nor a nurse. This is my passion, How do I know? The feeling in my chest I get whenever I think about it. Its like a constant, "you can do this" but without words, it's what pulls me through the fuck load of study requirments, constant stress and the knowing of what Im giving up. Call me crazy, stuck up. I don't care, this is me and what I want to do, and nothing will stop me.

I wish change was non-existant. I wish that everything would stay the same, when I was happy. Every time I look back, I think about all the foolish decisions I've made. I lost the only man who seemed to geniunely love and care for me, I've lost friends, I've lost close relative. Heck I lost my sister at one stage. Sometimes I wonder why I should contiune living. But I couldn't end my life, I just couldn't. Instead I fill up buckets of salty water. Could this be helping the environment? Maybe I should collect my pain in a container and water the garden. I try to be as positive as I can.

There are several reasons as to why I want to attend Medical School. One being the above, I won't be sacrificing anything too relevant. Honestly I want to help people, but to an extent where it doesn't involve the reason I wish to attend. I guess people would say it's a bad thing that I dont have a specific rational reason. I have a feeling, is a feeling enough? Well, I don't know. I can't explain the feeling, but when I visualize the future I am not afraid, scared, anxious. Im not terrified of the long road ahead... Im starting to think im a robot haha...

Anyway I should stop here. Have a nice night to whoever reads this.

Today is the day, that I finally can say that I own a desk! Well, not yet that is. But me and my family are going to Ikea today to purchase one. Preferably a white desk would be nice, Mum suggested either it be white, black or wood. I immediately said white, wood wouldn't match my rooms palette nor would black.
Once I get my lovely desk I can finally start studying hardcore without any interruptions. Oh yes, my current location for studying is either in the on and off again noisy kitchen, or the always constant blabbering of the television in the lounge room. I've tried so many, many times to shut the television off, but it seems my idiotic, inconsiderate sister insists that she can only function if the television is on. Even if shes not watching it she states that  "the television is background music, Im listening at the same time". Yea, yea whatever. I have given up complaining.

Well, Im off to buy my desk now :D So excited!

Ah, yes a decision of which I should blog about has finally appeared itself. I have decided to post my long journey of self-drive, passion and devotion to that of medical school. Time is precious, and organization is key. I need to, have to plan wisely. Each step and decision I make has to be resposnible to the highest degree. I maybe beyond thinking of reality, but until the stress has finally hindered my road to success then I simply do not give a crap about reality. Why should I let reality control me? define my odds with being accepted? I'm not shutting myself off from the world, i'm escapeing the fate of never knowing what could of been. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
Einstein was a brillant man, and thus that is why this is true. When you live you're whole life thinking that, let's just say, that you cannot be a mathematician. You would simply not even consider that there could be the slightest chance you could, you would believe the opposite.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, don't listen to people who define, decided or tell you your future. It's your future for a reason.

I'm seriously, and sincerely regretting my past two weeks of slacking off on my duties of studying the whole two chapters of mere death of calculus. I'm not suprised why my mathematics tutor basically demanded me to fufil all the questions and equations and also study the text book as if it were a novel. Yes, novels are far more interesting, but by grasping the mind bobbling formulas which are scattered on every A3 page, I found myself hooked on how this beautiful numeral language has shaped life itself. Although the interestingness (If that is even a word) of this text book hasn't really concured my mind and actually physically forced me to spend my two weeks "break" to study this book.
Today the day I have been fearing has finally come. The day my tutor, oh my wonderful tutor shows up on my wonderfully messy doorstep and withers himself to the kitchen table to help me with my "studying".
Sticking coloured sticky notes on pages I haven't even attempted to read in detail, so it seems as if I had.
If you're wondering why I am so terrified of my, lets say overly intellectual being of a tutor. Let's call him "intellectual monster". It's simply because that is what he is. He is the meaning of smart, he has helped some kid whom has never been able to write his name, in year 11, which is quite astonishing, since thats what you learn in baby school, primary school. Anyway, the intellectual monster taught this boy how to study and well, how to write his name. This boy not only shaped his mind but succeeded by mastering every class he took, and got the highest grades out of the 20 kids in his class. I was suprised, mind blown. I guess the saying is partially true " you're only as good as you're teacher ".

Anyway, I best be off, wish me luck in facing my fate which I have set upon myself.

Listening to beautiful piano songs, I just felt overly overwhelmed with emotion and I have decided to give my appreciation to people who are fighting a disease or an emotional trauma. My undying love, gratitude and support goes out to you. You are the people who I look up to because through all struggles you can smile and say "I'm ok". I love you.

My poems

My Poems

For my English assignment I decided to write various poems discripted from the theme reality.
Oh, and if you were wondering, I achieved an A :)

Imagination
Meaning beyond seeing,
Reality underneath image,
What lies beyond expectations?
Reality or a dream?
Thirst for knowledge, understanding;

Image awakens thoughts,
Provokes opinions, perspectives;
Society manipulates minds,
And awaken changed thoughts.

Reality dawns each day,
Right in front of us;
What cannot be controlled but faced,
It is the given moment beyond meanings.

What is beyond image?
What is beyond reality?
Unknown answers but imagination.

Questioning reality
Imagination,
Evolves reality,
Look deeper;
It may be a dream.

Fate
What is the truth which we all seek?
Is it meaning for our existence?
What is the purpose of creation?
Many search for the answers;
But we continue living without knowing truth.

Our own reality
I am standing still in time,
Reality floats by passing, floating in the sky.
Memories are lost in our minds,
We will never know the truth upon lies.
Are we awake or half awake?
Controlling the steps we take,
We create,
Our own,
Reality.

Look deeper our minds
Look over the mountain and see what's on the other side,
Look throught the tunnel and see what's on the other side,
Look into someone's soul and see what's hidden inside.
Look deeper in life and find a meaning.
The beauty is unleashed by overcoming understanding.

Behined the painting
I examine the beautiful painting hung upon the wall.
The strokes, colour, the beautiful depth sitting behined the lines;
The meaning onserved throught my piercing eyes.
Overwhelmed with such knowledge, I find understanding of the artist;
And his point of view and take on life.
Every painting has meaning;
I look within the obvious and observe the unspoken, see the unseen.
The truth about reality is unanswered but can be imagined.
Art is for granted, truth lies inside each image and expressed in any medium.
I am shown a meaning for life, inside someone else's mind.

Unknowing each day
I awake each day,
Not knowing what is to come.
The unknowing for what is about to happen.
Fearing time once regretted.
Looking back into the moutains of memories.
All is lost, time to move on forth.
It is time to face reality and I am prepared.

A new start

I have decided to erase all of my previous posts, for a fresh new start. Now that my schooling is coming to an end as of next year I am going to be very busy with my studying. Im not sure what it is I am blogging about so, I am basically using this blog as my own personal online journal. Well, it's not very personal but Im just going to document anything really.