9 motnh

It has finally become 9 months together. 9 strong months. You are the person who I've fallen in love with and the person who I want to spend my life with. I trust you with all my heart and soul. I know some people believe that love doesn't exist, but if they experienced what I get from you then they will know it is real. I wish I wasn't such a burden to you sometimes and sometimes i feel not good enough for you. But in my heart we are the right for each other and I can feel it. There hasn't been a second in the day or night or all of the time Ive been with you were I thought that I didn't want to be with you. I really can't express how much you mean to me, thats why I say and do all this sweet stuff, even though sometimes you don't like it. Its telling you how I feel, and all of these feelings are genuine. I hope that you don't find me as a crazy gf or anything, because sometimes I feel like I am. Im just so scared of losing you because you have become such a big part of my life. I couldn't live without you.

Its been a tough couple of weeks for our relationship. The arguments have gotten out of control and there was horrible things that were said and regretted. But we stood through all the hardship hand in hand and now I am happy to say that our relationship is stronger than ever. He is the glue to my broken pieces and the push upwards I need when I am feeling down. Today this man turns 20 years old, and I want to wish him a great Happy Birthday. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Even though we are always going to be faced with obstacles I know I will always love you, because the feeling is deep down within me and I can feel our connection through even not seeing each other. Movies always talk about the 'spark' is a relevant thing in love, and I'm glad to say I can feel and I know that we have that spark. Even if in the future it fades, I know we will be able to regain it because this is true love.

Being positive means being happy, however, sometimes it is so hard to be positive in some certain situations. I have been having really horrible cramps lately, feeling weak and dizzy and also vomiting. I went to the doctor to get checked and I was told I had a 9cm which has grown a bit in the last month ovarian cyst. This means that I have to have surgery to remove it. To be honest, I am terrified. I know it isn't that bad and I will be ok, but I am just really scared. I can't help thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong and can't focus on the positives. I guess this is why I have been feeling down lately and haven't left the house except for visiting doctors and the radiology centre. I am trying to be strong; it's time for me to grow up and accept what is happening. I can no longer be a baby about everything and hold my mothers hand. I need to start becoming more independant and start being a woman. There are so many things I want in life. I want to travel the world and paint landscapes. I want to eat and try all these foods. I want a career and to fufill all my goals. However, the biggest dream of mine is to have a family. I want to have children and be the best mother there is for them. I want to spend everyday asking how my husbands day has been at work when he arrives home. I guess in some aspects ive always wanted to be the perfect house wife and mother. I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, the person who fights for me and sticks up for me. I just want to tell you I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, and that I am so thankful and lucky that you have stuck by my side through all these complications that our relationship has encountered. You are my one true love and will be for eternity.

This is real, this is me I'm exactly who I want to be now. I feel like I am complete, I am happy. Every day I couldn't ask for more than just waking up and listening to your voice. Every night I want to sleep with you and that is the wish, I wish for. I couldn't be happier to be with you, day by day my heart grows stronger and my knees become weaker, the wall no longer exists and I am happy to say that I am in love with you. Through the fights and the hardships, the doubts and the disappointments, I know our love will overcome all these challenges life gives us. For like you said, we aren't arguing; we are argluing (every time we argue, our love becomes stronger and therefore we are gluing each other together again). You make me so happy, and I never thought that someone could make me feel this way. Our love could be a movie or a drama, our love could make a better film than the notebook. The connection I feel is like something I have never felt before, and I will never feel again. I want to grow old with you and spend every last second of my life with you. I do believe in love. I do believe that soul mates exist, because I have them. I love you my husband, my prince and my life.

love

Finally decided to start posting again after a long hiatus. Happy New year everyone! Hope everyone wished big for 2013 and are starting to fight for their dreams! I have just graduated from high school and now I am on the road to adulthood.. which couldn't be more scarier. A lot has happened since I last posted and I guess this is my public online diary, so I might as well share what has happened ^^. 

Graduating highschool was not easy, it was the worst time of my life. I procrastinated throughout the whole year and left assignments and studying for tests at the last minute. I lost my motivation for wanting to be a doctor but I still have that dream and always will. Hopefully I will make it into University and study something that I love, something that I will be happy with for the rest of my working days. I am going to miss all of the year 12s and the crazy times we have all shared together, some through primary school to high school and some through only high school. I love everyone and wish everyone the best for their future endeavours. Thinking about it now makes me slightly emotional, I am really going to miss waking up early and struggling to put my uniform on the correct way for school each morning. Walking through those gates and wishing I was back home sleeping, dreading classes everyday knowing I haven't finished my assignments or I haven't studied for a test. Having heaps of laughs and acting like complete idiots with my friends. Bitching about the lower years and how sheepish they all are. I made memories that I will never forget at that high school, falling over all the time, falling up and down the stairs, losing my locker keys or just leaving them in the locker lock itself. 

I also turned 18 and experienced many hangovers which I never want to experience again. I also got alcohol poisoning once and that was defiantly not something I will have again. I danced so hard my shoes soles broke and i was only walking around with material around my foot, that was very embarrassing. I also remember everything I did, so I don't understand how people complain about not remembering anything after getting drunk, when to me I can? Ohwells. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of the year, I fell in love. That was probably the most significant time in the whole of 2012. One day I was at home on the computer talking to the usual people, then all of a sudden some random guy messaged me. We were friends on Facebook, however, I had no clue who he was. Before messaging back I checked his Facebook to see if there was any chance of me knowing him. But it was completely random. So I messaged him back and said no do i know you. Anyway he was from the same city as me and coincidentally lived not that far away. We kept messaging back and forth until it was bed time. I thought after that we would never message or talk to each other again but surprisingly the next day I got a message from him. I was happy because I felt like he wanted to talk to me and that he seemed to be interested in talking. At first when we talked it seemed like he was kind of cold… but after he seemed really sweet, like a teddy bear made of candy. We continued to talk every day and soon I could feel my heart beating for him. He made me smile and each day I would wait for him to message me. Even if it was a late message I would still feel really happy. When we talked it seemed to click, we could talk for hours and it seemed like only a minute. I knew I started to fall for him when I would constantly think about him and wait for his reply or message. I could feel myself losing the strength I put up because of my previous relationships. The wall I put up from falling was decaying into nothing. I hoped that he felt the same way I did for him and for some reason, I could feel that he did. He was cute and showed true emotion, something other guys lack or can't show genuinely. The cheesiness he showed made my heart flutter, it felt good even though it was incredibly cheesy. I wanted to be with him but I had to play it cool. Haha I am so gay, play it cool, so gay. Anyway I kept my distance and but tried to keep closer. I was waiting for him to say he liked me and to ask me out. He was really handsome to me and he acted really cute. I remember the first time we talked on the phone and he was hyperventilating because he was shy. It was so adorable and I just wanted to hug him. After awhile he asked me to be his gf and i was so happy. I finally found someone who I clicked with and wanted to be with. He makes me happier than anyone else could. He makes me laugh at his stupid actions and words. He makes me cry for him and can make me angry over him. He triggers every emotion in me that I know that we are connected. I always feel special to him because he tries to make me happy and to feel that way. He tries to make me smile each day but even without him trying I still smile. I started to fall in love with this guy, and I couldn't stop it. I fell for him, I fell in love with him for who he is and how he makes me feel. My love for him makes me feel like we are soul mates and that we are supposed to be together. He makes me feel like I have a great future ahead of myself and not only that with him. I love how when he's angry he pulls me closer and doesn't push me away. I know one thing its that I can never stay mad at him because when I am all I can think about is how much I love him. I can feel that he loves me to by the stuff he says and the stuff he does. He's the man every girl dreams about through all of their life, the prince. Someone to be there for you through tough times, someone to hold your hand through the complications of life. Someone to care for you and never want anything to happen to you. Someone who can light up your life just by being around. Someone who would do anything for you and everything to be with you. This guy is my prince, and I know this because I can feel it. Eventhough I am still young, age cannot defy emotion and cannot limit one in falling in love. This guy's name is Colin. I love you Colin, and I always will, you make me believe that the life and the world can be a great place, and that true princes exist. 

Honestly, I have been feeling fractured by my state of mind lately. I've lost my aspirations, goals and dreams. It almost feels as if I am walking into an oblivion of shattered remaining's of what my life once was. I wish someone would help motivate me or at least listen to my woes. But unfortunately  it seems I am destined to be alone with my negative thoughts, I want to cast them away, to a different planet perhaps.

Goodbye baby, goodbye.

This post I have decided it to be a massive rant.

I'm not going to mention any names, but there's this girl (whom I used to work with) and she seems to be somewhat into the whole fashion industry. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this except the fact she insists that everyone in Adelaide has no style whatsoever. Honestly I have been reading her blog, well checked on it twice and it's a bunch of crap. I have nothing against her but what her perspectives are and the way she showcases it online. Fashion is NOT about having designer or in her case everything possible posted on tumblr items. She clearly states that Adelaide is behind in fashion and that 'majority' of girls have no sense of style and just follow trends. Um, right. Fashion is about freedom of expression, dress how YOU feel comfortable, OR what you wish to wear. Who cares if the style is from 500 centuries ago or 6000606 girls already wear the style, make it work, rock it and whoever complains is just envious.

Some people seem to have stick up there ass, and need someone to take it out kk

Went to Brisbane on Monday to do some shopping, finally! But instead we got lost trying to find this Irish pub that honestly I could care less about. Also dyed and cut my hair the following day just as Queensland’s weather decides it wants to become more tropical. Some positives of Brisbane is that there are a variety of different shops and boutiques with reasonable prices. A pleasant change from Adelaide's shopper atmosphere. Unfortunately I didn’t find anything to buy but I’m thinking of replacing my IPhone 4 for the Samsung nexus or s2. Another positive of Brisbane is the good-looking males walking around!

Mums 'Egyptian' perfume she purchased from the beach markets. 

 Yummy wedges, but so damn expensive for a limited amount. I want more wedge wedge!!!

I LOVED THE FOOD OMG SO GOOD!

Tried the green tea Frappuccino at Starbucks today; the taste was somewhat too sweet for my likings; I am more of a savory person. I enjoyed it but I couldn’t drink the entire humongous cup so Daddy had the rest. He quite enjoyed it actually, didn’t think he would. I brought a tumbler from there as well, thought it would keep in handy for winter days at school! Now I can bring hot chocolate or even chicken soup to school. The design was also very appealing another reason why I wanted it, most tumblers seem to have a somewhat tacky or bland coverage.

I didn’t take many photos today because we did not go anywhere special, just the usual shops right under our hotel room.

Here are some extra photos at the "glorious" waterfall near Tambourine. What waterfall? It was dry and it was like little sprinkles of water falling from like two huge rocks.. Nothing really special although there were naked men swimming in the rock pool <3___<3 

Queensland is very scenic, so much too view and do but little time. So far I’ve been having a great time here and most defiantly don’t wish to go back. I guess I’m using this vacation as an escape from the immense stress that will be occurring in my life when I get back. My last year of High school is approaching rapidly, and as it does I feel more terrified. I’m still young and want to accomplish so many things. I guess I have learnt to appreciate and value each second that I’m alive more. I wish to live without as many regrets as possible. 

Some extra Photos

I love Queensland so much, I wish I could live here in this hotel? But if I did I think I would be on holiday forever. Never come back to reality haha

Bought a few Korean cosmetics on Friday, I desperately needed new facemasks because my wonderful mother had stolen mine. (I only packed a few). I decided to try out the whitening tomato produced by ‘Tony Moly’, which so happens to be endorsed by the perfect man; Kim Hyun Joong. I have heard great reviews on this product, and since it was sold out back in Adelaide, It was a must purchase. If you’re wondering how this cutely packaged cream works, well it simply is meant to brighten and whiten your face. Although many products, especially Korean cosmetics seem to have “whitening” creams, gels, etc. The ones that I have tried haven’t seemed to affect my skin tone at all. Perhaps the whitening creams worked for others and my skin tone is only showing negative responses to the ingredients in the products, or it’s just the overall product is only packaging; nothing special. I shall review this product once I have used it a couple of time and post results, or none at all.

I also purchased a package of face and body masks. The bundle included, three facemasks of different sorts, a cutely packaged hair mask (hope it works, my hairs in need of repair), and a foot mask? Or strip? Not too sure on that one. And also a couple of etude house nose strips and under eye patches. Hopefully I will see results with these because it seems I’m hopeless when it comes to cosmetics; I only buy for the cute packaging.

Some Tony Moly whitening creams and toners in a pack. I am excited to try these babies out. Hopefully see results! Also with the purchase I received a gift from Etude House, some aloe Vera creams and body lotions. I love the smell of aloe Vera, it’s calming, soothing and helps relieve tension/stress! Oh, if you’re wondering what the store is called it’s ‘Clio’ and is located on Cavil mall near the Chevron hotel, where I’m staying.

 For lunch we decided to try the all-famous ‘Mos Burger’ that is originated in Japan. It’s similar to Mc Donald’s except the burgers have Japans signature sauces and tastes. I tried the teriyaki chicken burger; only one word can explain the taste of this burger, amazing. It tasted like the usual teriyaki chicken but in bread, it was very delicious. I sincerely hope that they open a Mos Burger in Adelaide soon or I’ll have to travel to the gold coast just for a burger. Actually I think I would its that yummy. Ah I am thinking of the burger right now…. Make me so sad… wish it was in my mouth… 

For dinner we ordered room service, which was a massive pain, since we couldn’t get the phone to dial the number. So we had to use my mobile, which lead to this massive questionnaire of where we were staying. Finally after an hour or so the food arrived, my sister’s and her friend’s food turned out fine, but mine on the other hand was slobbered all over the container. Highly disappointing experience since I went through all of the trouble with the damn operator. 

Finally arrived in Queensland from the hour and forty-five minute flight from Adelaide, I felt as if that plane ride was never going to end. There was an infant aboard sitting adjacent from my domain thus leading our time in mid-flight an unpleasant one. Experiences like these affect my perspective on kids; yes, they are adorable but so far I think I could live without having one.

The weather in Queensland is very humid and sweaty but also can be very dry and hot. Although I highly dislike these conditions, it is a nice change to Adelaide's dull weather in which I spent most days inside. The positive with having weather like this is all the good-looking males walking around topless. I could definitely see myself living here one day, not.

I really loved my room in the hotel, I got a whole double bed to myself and it was positioned facing the city from above. It was a lovely view at nighttime with the bursts of vibrant, colorful lights emerging upon the dark shadows of night. It helped me feel calmer and less deprived from happiness. Hopefully when I buy my first apartment it’ll be just as nice as this one, but with much more room.

Didn’t accomplish much in the past couple of days of being here except shopping. Bought myself a new school bag, a brown leather satchel with a Burberry inspired design on the strap.(I love burberry signature look so suave and nice, wish it wasn't so expensive though) The bag was $50 from Typo, a bit much for an ordinary bag. Also bought new foundation because the BB cream seemed to express a grey tint to my face in the sunlight. Last time I checked, I wasn’t an alien looking for coverage.

On Thursday we visited the “country” town called Tambourine. The scenery was beautiful, filled with glowing green trees and grass; also the weather was perfect. A pleasant change to the hot weather where we were staying. I wished to take many photos but it seemed everywhere I wished to do so, there was always a sign that said the opposite. Luckily I had conjured up a few techniques in which I should have gotten some sneaky photos.

omg so ugly and scary.. What is it? A mushroom face? Looks like that huge blob from star wars … you know which one i'm talking about

Well to begin this post on a positive note, it's finally holidays! Horray, horray. Time is not on my side as of the moment, I have to complete all of 3 Maths text books in what? 6 weeks. I pray I can do this. The nervous feeling seems to be eating at me lately, I always feel as if i'm going to faint. I hope im not ignoring any illness or signs of a disease because that'll be horrible. Haha.
Lately I have been feeling quite meloncholy, maybe it's the stress of next year or it's because I over think everything I do. Well, it seems as if I have this problem where i'm extremely analytical towards basically anything that comes my way. I guess it 'could' be a good thing but the downfall is that I feel socially awkward in every situation. Gah, I'm not even making much sense am I?

I wish to address a couple of things which constantly I keep reminding myself of.
I have not had much 'luck' in the 'man' category lately. I always attract 'boys' who are idiotic or maybe it's just me who attracts them. Maybe I should be less picky and loosen up? . My friend said to me, "A geniune woman will attract a geniune man". Well, if this is in fact true then where the eff is my man? Unless I am not geniune, then what am I? A pile of plastic rubber connected by a string of wires. Basically i'm nothing but a fake. People say that with time you end up finding who you are in the world, but it's taking so damn long it's making me ponder if I am ever going to find a purpose or who I am. Maybe I am who I am now but i'm so fucking blindsided I can't see it.

I am also going to dedicate this paragraph to my lovely dog Ernie. He was the best dog I could ever ask for, playful but yet showed he could protect the house. Haha. I regret not spending time with Ernie, It's just I guess as I grew older, our relationship grew wider apart. He was amazing and words cannot sum up how my exact emotions for him. I hope he has a wonderful, delightful afterlife. You will always be missed Ernie, I love you. R.I.P.

To end this post, I am going to mention that as of right now my cat's ass is fixated on my arm. Fucking cat thinks it owns every piece of furniture in the house. Assuming my family and I are furniture as well. Nevertheless I still love her.

The scariest thing in life is change, not death but change. It's funny how the most insignificant aspects of ones life can impact it in such a way to alter ones future. Change is suprisingly always a good thing, not only because if it were non exsistant life would be boring but because it helps shape our futures for the better. It makes us stronger and helps us understand life a tiny portion more.

Anyway, i'm not sure why i am rambling on about complete nonsense which is paceing around my mind. But I guess It's good to write about things I think about. People told me that im such a simple minded girl and I do not think about life much. This is utterly false and it is quite the opposite in fact, I think about it everyday. Maybe not every waken second but atleast everyday. I disguise my pure self because honestly if I acted upon all of my thoughts I would be depressed. I'm happy, I don't care for anyone whom calls me stupid because I know im not. I wish people would stop judging, but then again if there was no judge life would be far different than it is today. I want to marry someone who is blind about physical aspects and appreciates the inner beauty of life and other aspects. I think someone like this could truely exsist, and until the day I meet them. Im waiting. I fall inlove with someone for what they see, not what they say. I should probably quit going on now.

Oh my gosh by the way, I watched the new supernatural season, episode 7. I pray Bobby isn't dead, Oh gosh I pray. The show needs him!

Have a nice day, night, afternoon, morning!

I hope, pray and wish that I get accepted into Medical School. My dream may have only just begun but I am over 200% certain that it is not going to end any time soon. Sometimes I ponder why it is I am so fascinated with continuing my journey, Is it destined? Well I sure as hope so.
I have printed various books on how to be successful in MS, and it seems that the one key for survival in the brutal environment is organization. Luckily for me I  have a very mild case of OCD, I like to organize everything so that I am up to date and standard with my work but to an extent were I wont become obsessed.

Today was my Daddy's 52nd Birthday! Happy Birthday Daddy! I decided to write in his card: " To Dad, Happy Birthday, it is your 52nd birthday and soon you will be 60, time to shave off that beard!" Ofcourse there is no absolute hope for him shaving but you never know, maybe that card could influence him in some random way. Since my Dad is a un-identical twin, it was also my Uncles birthday so we travelled a whole two and a half gruelling hours to the dead country side. Ok, I will never, ever be a country personal. I would'nt be able to survive without my glorious shopping sprees and the refreshing sound of the train passing by each hour. It's just too quiet for my likeings up there. Im incredibly hungry at this very moment, the "food" <- Notice how it is in quotation marks, was horrid at my Uncles. The chicken was full of salt and not to mention the chips were soggy. So Im off too make a pizza, home-made pizza's are the undenying best.

It seems that my week has taken a delightful turn. From being one of horrible to wonderful I feel much more vibrantly awake as well being excessively engaged. Like a drought given water, my unconscious mind was given consciousness again. I gathered my before status was thus because of lack of sleep and also the fact of only just commencing schooling again. I finally have undertaken the advanced mathematics class and it seems as if it's not all it's cracked up to be. But then again it could also be an 'easy' topic to begin with. Anyway I have been procrastinating lately, I should really begin studying for the maths test next week -_-" 

"To be, or not to be: that is the question".

A famous quote from the incredible William Shakespeare play Hamlet.
What is its significant meaning? Well, it is in ones interpretation ofcourse. Watching the filmed play Hamlet in English class has well and truely inspired I to persue reading  books written from that era. The language is art. I will continue this next time when thy finished watching movie. haha.

Ah yes, the first day of the last term of school has finally finished. Horray, horray, I can finally sit back and relax with my iced tea and express my absolute emotions on to my dearest friend, my blog.

I began the morning feeling fresh and focused, but little did I know my mood was about to change dramatically. Once I first arrived to school I was happily greeted by my lovely caring friends. Not. Instead the silence smothered the awkward atmosphere creating a sense of exclution for myself. How did I not see this coming? Its typical for them to do so anyhow.
Chemistry class was first up. Luckily I was prepared and succeed to grasp all the concepts immediatley at first introduction. Next lesson was a free, and ofcourse I succumed to that of procrastinating and used this time to chat with my "friends".
Recess.
After this delightful 20 minute break, English class started. I am in the most advanced English class, and what is greatly hilarious? The fact that we are now studying the text "Hamlet" and not only will our school not let us read it, apparently they think we are a bunch of unintelligent students! What is this? Im sorry but if our English Professor wants us to read it, then let us! Ugh, I can not stress how stupid of a school I am attending. I feel like im treated like a baby. No, not a teenager, a baby.
Biology class was a huge smack in the face. I was not only excluded from the help of my friends, WHICH were helping each other. But I got 2/10  on the so called "revision test". I feel like a complete failure but not to worry, I can improve.

The rest of the lessons were an utter waste of time so i cannot be fucked with mentioning them. As you can read my day went on the slightly negative, unproductive side. So now I am going to read hamlet, study all my mistakes in Biology, Write my proposal for research project and try and finish my mathematics questions.

My understanding and interpretation of life:
Birth -> Study -> Work -> Death
I love life.

My passion for medicine

One might say, "I want to proceed my career in medicine because helping people is my passion". Another could also say, "I've wanted to be a doctor since I was able to think independently". These are the most common, obvious reasons as to why people persue medicine. But for me it's different. Lately I have been contemplateing weither or not I should continue this passion for medicine. Is it really something I want to do? All the stress, tears and years of studying in a brutal environment?
I wanted to explore my options besides medicine. I've always known I had a passion for art ever since I was young. But art never inspired me to become an artist, a designer, only for mere hobby. I then decided to research more possible career paths such as, psychology, beauty and theropy and also sports. None of these interested me enough to be able to invision a future career for myself. I found myself back at medicine. visioning myself in the future being a doctor, full on working to my hearts content. I want to be a neurologist, but doctor is the first step. There is nothing more I want to be in life. I want to be a doctor. I don't want to be a designer, psychologist nor a nurse. This is my passion, How do I know? The feeling in my chest I get whenever I think about it. Its like a constant, "you can do this" but without words, it's what pulls me through the fuck load of study requirments, constant stress and the knowing of what Im giving up. Call me crazy, stuck up. I don't care, this is me and what I want to do, and nothing will stop me.

I wish change was non-existant. I wish that everything would stay the same, when I was happy. Every time I look back, I think about all the foolish decisions I've made. I lost the only man who seemed to geniunely love and care for me, I've lost friends, I've lost close relative. Heck I lost my sister at one stage. Sometimes I wonder why I should contiune living. But I couldn't end my life, I just couldn't. Instead I fill up buckets of salty water. Could this be helping the environment? Maybe I should collect my pain in a container and water the garden. I try to be as positive as I can.

There are several reasons as to why I want to attend Medical School. One being the above, I won't be sacrificing anything too relevant. Honestly I want to help people, but to an extent where it doesn't involve the reason I wish to attend. I guess people would say it's a bad thing that I dont have a specific rational reason. I have a feeling, is a feeling enough? Well, I don't know. I can't explain the feeling, but when I visualize the future I am not afraid, scared, anxious. Im not terrified of the long road ahead... Im starting to think im a robot haha...

Anyway I should stop here. Have a nice night to whoever reads this.